I Am That Single Woman

I am fifty years old and I've always been single.  No, I don't have a cat.  I do have a dog (see my previous blog posts here and here).  I'm not lonely and I really like being single.  This past Valentine's Day though I saw a lot of people, especially women, struggling with their single status.  A good friend and I went to the movie "How To Be Single" on Valentine's Day and it was cute.  At the end, the message truly was about being single and embracing the fact that you like it that way.

Why do women struggle so much with the idea of being single though?  Why can't we just embrace it and enjoy the life we have?  I see all kinds of memes on Facebook screaming out "I'm Single And I Love It!!" and I'm guilty of sharing them.  Are we trying to convince ourselves or someone else that the single life is what we really love?  Why do we need to explain it?

My Mom has always hoped, and still does I think, that I would get married.  She used to want me to have kids too but I think she realizes now, especially given my age, that it's not going to happen.  She's happily married to my Dad, they have three children and she loved being a Mom so why wouldn't she want that for her own kids?

When I think of having a partner in life though it's never for the usual reasons.  Typically I'm looking at houses for sale and I think it would be nice to have that second income that a husband would bring.  Or, I'm worried about my job and I know I can't just quit because I am the sole bread winner for me.  If I had a husband I might have a cushion.  Those really don't seem like great reasons to get married though.  When we had the blizzard I thought it would be nice to have someone to help me shovel.  Yet again, I don't think that's really what marriage is about.

I've never looked at a married couple and thought "Gee, I wish I had that".  I do look at all the things being single allows me to do.  I never have to negotiate with anyone about how to spend money.  I am the decision maker in my house.  If I want to make a frivolous purchase I don't have to explain it to anyone but myself.   I think at work I am more ambitious because I want to make sure I'm earning enough money to do all the things I want to be able to do.  Maybe if I were married I wouldn't be as eager.  I don't know.  I hope that wouldn't be true.

I'm not avoiding marriage.  I've had boyfriends come and go in my life and there were one or two who thought we should get married.  At the end of the day though I care about my happiness.  If I'm going to give up being single, it will only be for someone who complements what I already have and makes it better.

I've also never longed to be a Mom even though I love kids.  I'm surrounded by kids in my life and my sister especially has been great about sharing her two boys with me.  If I had my own kids I'm sure I'd be very happy with them, but I get to do all kinds of fun things with my nephews that I probably wouldn't be doing if I had my own kids.  My relationship with the two of them is one of the things I cherish.  They're teenagers now and we don't spend as much time together as we once did because this is the time in their life to hang out with their friends and do their thing, but we still have a really great bond and I 'sneak' time with them when I can.

In my life I've coached the local summer swim team, been a ski instructor and finally a soccer coach for the Soccer Association of Columbia (SAC).  This allowed me to spend a lot of time with kids and hopefully be somewhat of a role model.  I loved coaching soccer and the kids were great.  I looked forward to practice during the week and then watching the games on the weekend to see if what we did in practice made a difference.  I took a break after coaching a 13-14 girls team and have never gone back.  I miss it sometimes.  I have never thought though that I wanted to bring the kids home with me, or wished that one of the kids on the team or out on the slopes were my kid.  I've always felt lucky to have been able to spend time with them all and each and every one of them was on their way to being a super adult.

I have all kinds of friends in my life.  I am still friends with several people that I went to elementary school with.  I have a best friend I met at work.  Every day when I am out walking my dog we see my friends in the neighborhood.  Through DogsXL Rescue I've met and made even more friends and I get to spend a lot of time with dogs.  I have a fairly full social calendar these days thanks to all my friends.  From Christmas parties, to regular get togethers, fund raisers and adoption events, it seems like every weekend I have something going on.  That doesn't include the time I give to my parents and traveling to my sister's to hang out.

I'm a fairly new blogger which has introduced me to an entirely new group of people and activities.  I was looking forward to an event in late January that the blizzard killed, but there are other things coming up that I am hoping to attend.  Another chance to meet friends and reconnect with others.

Facebook can take the credit for a lot of my being able to reconnect with old friends, stay in contact with friends and relatives who live miles away, and stay connected with current friends.  I don't know that I'd have as much to do if it wasn't for that.  It's so easy to come home from work at the end of a long day, log on to my laptop and check in to see what's going on with everyone.  

As a single woman there are things I worry about, but I don't think these are things that wouldn't happen if I were married.   For example, my Mom is there for my Dad now that he's lost his vision.  However, my brother-in-law's Dad died in 2003 and his Mom has been living on her own ever since.  Being married doesn't prevent you from living alone.  She can rely on her kids if she needs them, just like my Mom and Dad can rely on their kids.  

Of course there's no guarantee your kids are going to be there to help if you need them either.  Kids do things like grow up, get married, move away and have their own kids to take up their time.  In extreme cases they just don't come around.  I know of several instances where kids have little or nothing to do with their parents.

All this really means is that I need to do some careful planning for when that day might come when I'm too old to take care of myself.  I need to make sure the assisted living facility I end up in has plenty of pets around, that's for sure!

When I look around at my life I think "I did that".  It's all mine.  Those are my family and friends.  I am the one who earned the money to buy the house. I renovated the kitchen, took the trip to Italy, entertained my friends and family, took care of the dogs...That's all me.  I've built a life for myself and I'm really happy right now.  From family and friends to the dogs, I feel incredibly lucky for all I have and I don't see anything missing.  Some would say I'm blessed.  What ever word you want to use to describe it, I'm right where I want to be. I see a life well lived with a lot more to look forward to.

Et Tu Peyton?

Remember when Peyton Manning told men to just buy a bigger shirt?  Or he stood in the grocery store yelling D-Fense as the guy stocked the bread?  Or my favorite, when he stayed an extra day in all the towns where he'd just defeated the local football team and acted like he didn't notice the hotel staff hating on him?  All classic Peyton Manning.

This morning on ESPN and in other news outlets, the latest story on Peyton is that he's not that nice guy we were all so happy won the Super Bowl.  Maybe not all of us.  There's at least one person out there who has a very negative opinion of Peyton Manning.  In other related news, Peyton has also been accused of using performance enhancing drugs.

From Bill Clinton, to Bill Cosby, to Lance Armstrong I was initially very sure that none of these guys could have done what they were accused of.  They had though.  I initially viewed Lance as just a fierce competitor.  It's because of him that I was such a huge Tour de France fan and ultimately fan of cycling.  Turns out he has a heinous personality and did some vicious things to his enemies.

I watched "Fat Albert" every Saturday when I was a kid, was a fan of "I Spy" reruns and watched "The Cosby Show" faithfully each week.  How could Bill Cosby who talked about the kids every Saturday morning and sold us Jell-O pudding be the guy he's turned out to be?  He is though.  He's an insidious criminal and like Lance went out of his way to destroy lives and livelihoods.

We as a society allow these men, almost all men, a persona that makes us think it's impossible that they could be anything but what the persona says.  I remember reading about what some of the Midshipmen did to the first women admitted to the Naval Academy.  What they did was not honorable and I thought to myself "Who is raising these men that they think this is okay?"

What is coming to light these days is that we have a Man problem.  For too long we've allowed them to think that their position in life granted them immunity when they treated the rest of us as less than people.  Whether they are professional athletes, famous comedians, politicians and even law enforcement, it's time to stop this train.

It would be great if I could give Peyton Manning the benefit of the doubt.  I'm jaded now though - I know that the pedestals we've put these guys on are cracked at the foundation.  I suspect that Peyton is guilty of everything he's been accused of.  I'm sad and disappointed that he is now on the pile of shame with the others.

You're Going To Get A Crappy Boss

The majority of people I know have to work for a living.  We all seem to make a decent living and are hopeful that we'll retire one day and have enough money to live on.  We don't make enough though to just get up and walk away from our jobs and will all likely work at least until age 65.  Overall we will probably spend 40+ years working and in that time there is a better than average chance that we'll get a crappy boss.  In fact, it's not only likely, for many of us, it's already happened and more than once.  You're probably more likely than not to get a crappy boss over a good boss.  The crappy boss is a reality and we really need more help in dealing with them.

A lot of published articles out on the internet and elsewhere tell people with a crappy boss to go out and get a new job.  Unfortunately, there's also a very good chance you'll get a crappy boss at your next job.  I say this because in my experience more people are bad bosses than good ones - it's just in their nature.  Maybe it would be better to figure out why you think your boss is crappy and what your ultimate goals are.  Keeping in mind that the only person you can change is yourself (I know, I was quite dismayed when I learned that one too) maybe it's better to work on our own attitudes and behaviors to mitigate what the crappy boss brings to work.

My first crappy boss was a sneaky bastard.  I was a cubicle dwelling customer service rep and he was a devious and spiteful human.  So much so that one snow day people saw him walking to work after abandoning his car and no one stopped to offer him a ride.  If you're a crappy boss reading this, remember that your health and life are at risk because you're crappy.  I am glad to say I did not see him and would like to think if I had I would have given him a ride, but I wouldn't have been happy about it.

I personally witnessed this guy setting people up for failure as well as taking credit for other people's work.  It was not unusual to find him hiding behind cubicles spying on people.  Anyone who worked for him can recall something negative and devious he had done to them.  He would state out loud that he hated someone and he had a set of groupies to do his bidding.  They were happy to comply with anything he asked them to do until he turned on them.  Some of the most bitter stories about this guy come from that group of people.  Live by the sword, die by the sword as the saying goes.

I personally 'managed' this guy by confronting him.  I wasn't rude and I didn't insult him.  I stuck to the issue at hand - he had accused me of not completing a lot of work and had gone to my direct supervisor to complain.  I had the proof on my side that the work was done and I took that to him.  I quietly but with determination questioned him as to why he believed the work wasn't done.  At the end of the day he was a coward.   I had backed him into a corner.  I did get a new job shortly after that.  Several people over him eventually questioned his value and he ended up losing his job.  I never understood his motivation for behaving the way he did.  Hopefully he learned his lesson wherever he ended up, but who knows.  Looking back I don't hold out much hope for him changing his ways as they were too well ingrained.

It's now been over 20 years since I had that particular crappy boss.  Since that time I've had some really good bosses, and some equally lousy bosses and some who were in between.  In my twenty-six years of work the one thing I've learned is that people are who they are when they're at work.  They bring the same things to the office that I do - their hopes, their fears, their ideas and all of their experiences leading up to the point that our paths crossed.  In some cases the boss has left, both good ones and bad ones, and in some cases I've been the one to move on.  One of the reasons I went back to school and finished my college degree was due to a crappy boss.  I wanted to create options for myself that weren't there without that degree.

Sometimes a bad boss is also an easily managed boss.  I worked for a manager who didn't really care to do any work.  He liked to cut out early on Friday afternoons and head to his beach house.  In the meantime the group of people who reported to him bonded together and became an even stronger team because of him.  We knew we'd get no help from him so we learned to rely on one another.  We were well respected with our customers for the work we turned out.  Any time this particular boss tried to criticize us or take us to task on something we'd simply start talking about our work and how great it was.  "I'm getting all the work done, right?"  He'd agree.  "Customers regularly request me to work on their assignments?" Once again, he'd agree.  "My work is of high quality, correct?" and again, no argument from the boss.  We'd end with, "So, I don't understand why I'm in your office."

This boss' motivation was laziness.  He wanted to rise to a position where he made a healthy salary, but he didn't want to do any work.  As a team we worked hard managing the work as it came in, getting it completed and pleasing our customers.  He rarely if ever said "Do this work", instead we would see what work had come in and just figure out ourselves what we could take on individually.  His boss, while not doing anything to change how he behaved, did acknowledge the amount of work we did.  She herself was an incredibly hard worker and we never understood why she kept this particular manager around.   In the end an organizational change put him under a new boss who wanted to know exactly what he was doing.  "She's managing me!" he complained.  He got no sympathy from us.

I've also in the recent past worked for a tyrant or two.  People who liked to take a pound of flesh out of their staff through yelling and public humiliation.   In the most recent example I had a boss who liked to twist information around to the opposite of any earlier direction.  She didn't want you to speak in meetings and then would ask you why you never spoke up.  You never knew how information would be received - with relief that you had provided it or with a loud take down that you had allowed something to happen that she wasn't happy about.

At first with this particular boss I didn't know how to react.  I'd never in my life been spoken to, yelled at, in such a rude and demeaning way.  I'd never worked for someone who went out of their way to only ever point out your failures.  Over time I realized that not reacting was actually the best reaction.  Once while she stood over my chair yelling at me in front of my coworkers I simply stared at her and refused to answer and allowed my facial expression to send the message instead.    During a phone exchange where she was calling me a failure I couldn't take it anymore and started yelling back, "Do you have any idea the amount of work I do for you?"  I started to run down an itemized list of all the work for which I was responsible and I was yelling back.  She backed down and was contrite although not friendly.

It's one thing to work for a bad boss when you only have yourself to worry about, it's quite another when you also have direct reports.  Providing them the space to do their jobs and keep the tyrant off their backs is a stress inducing activity that takes its toll over time.  I was very careful to never complain or detail the flaws in my staff because I knew my boss would grab on to them and use them against all of us.  I treated my staff the way I wanted to be treated and hopefully they recognized that.  When the results for the all associate survey came out my staff rated me very well and I've always told them that I could be a good boss because they were such a great staff.  Unlike many of the people I worked for, I really wanted them to know their value and how they contributed each day.  I feel honored and lucky that many people who reported to me still seek me out for guidance and mentoring in their own careers.

All of this is on my mind because my boss turned in her notice last fall and left to take a new job outside of the company where I work.  I got along well with this boss and we only got to work together for a short time.  Now the search is on for someone to replace her.  Unfortunately I've not been in my job long enough to apply for the open position myself.  There is every chance in the world that my new boss will not be all that great.

I really like my job and I like the people I work with.  I don't currently have any direct reports in this position so I don't have to worry about their fate, just my own.  After 26+ years of working I've learned a lot of lessons.  First and foremost, have something at home to look forward to.  If all you have is the office and that turns sour, you're probably going to struggle.  I like going home at the end of each day.  My dog and my family are waiting for me there and I'm very happy when I'm at home.  I have also really liked going to work over the past 9 months since I've been in this job.  I look forward to the projects I get to work on, the people I get to talk to.  Hopefully none of that will change.

Which brings me to another factor in dealing with a crappy boss.  You must have options.  I have a large network of work friends.  People who know me, know my work and have respect for what I do and what I'm capable of doing.  Building a large network is critically important to how well you do.  With the boss who yelled at me all the time, she also knew very well that I was liked at all levels of the organization and had strong relationships with well placed people.  I think that offered me a level of protection from even worse treatment.

I also have a college degree.  A simple bachelor's degree in business, but a degree none the less that is backed up with all of my work experience.  I continuously look for training I can take that adds or builds on the skills I already have.  I'm always resume building.

I have mentors.  In my current company I have private relationships with at least two people at the Executive level who I can speak with openly and forthrightly, not to go to with complaints, but to work through how to approach situations and problem solve as well as to get career advice.  This has been a boost to me.  Because the relationship is private they are willing to share information with me about things I might not have insight into and in return I can share information that I have.

I have great benefits at the company where I work.  I get plenty of time off, a pension, and health insurance just to name a few.  In four years I will be retirement eligible.  I'd like to stick it out at least until that time.  Who knows what will happen though.  If we get a great boss who I want to work with I'll be over the moon.  Even if we only get an okay boss, I think I can probably live with that.  No matter what, I'll come in each day the way I do now - ready and eager to get to work.  As I stated earlier in this post, the only person I have control over is me.