I Am That Single Woman

I am fifty years old and I've always been single.  No, I don't have a cat.  I do have a dog (see my previous blog posts here and here).  I'm not lonely and I really like being single.  This past Valentine's Day though I saw a lot of people, especially women, struggling with their single status.  A good friend and I went to the movie "How To Be Single" on Valentine's Day and it was cute.  At the end, the message truly was about being single and embracing the fact that you like it that way.

Why do women struggle so much with the idea of being single though?  Why can't we just embrace it and enjoy the life we have?  I see all kinds of memes on Facebook screaming out "I'm Single And I Love It!!" and I'm guilty of sharing them.  Are we trying to convince ourselves or someone else that the single life is what we really love?  Why do we need to explain it?

My Mom has always hoped, and still does I think, that I would get married.  She used to want me to have kids too but I think she realizes now, especially given my age, that it's not going to happen.  She's happily married to my Dad, they have three children and she loved being a Mom so why wouldn't she want that for her own kids?

When I think of having a partner in life though it's never for the usual reasons.  Typically I'm looking at houses for sale and I think it would be nice to have that second income that a husband would bring.  Or, I'm worried about my job and I know I can't just quit because I am the sole bread winner for me.  If I had a husband I might have a cushion.  Those really don't seem like great reasons to get married though.  When we had the blizzard I thought it would be nice to have someone to help me shovel.  Yet again, I don't think that's really what marriage is about.

I've never looked at a married couple and thought "Gee, I wish I had that".  I do look at all the things being single allows me to do.  I never have to negotiate with anyone about how to spend money.  I am the decision maker in my house.  If I want to make a frivolous purchase I don't have to explain it to anyone but myself.   I think at work I am more ambitious because I want to make sure I'm earning enough money to do all the things I want to be able to do.  Maybe if I were married I wouldn't be as eager.  I don't know.  I hope that wouldn't be true.

I'm not avoiding marriage.  I've had boyfriends come and go in my life and there were one or two who thought we should get married.  At the end of the day though I care about my happiness.  If I'm going to give up being single, it will only be for someone who complements what I already have and makes it better.

I've also never longed to be a Mom even though I love kids.  I'm surrounded by kids in my life and my sister especially has been great about sharing her two boys with me.  If I had my own kids I'm sure I'd be very happy with them, but I get to do all kinds of fun things with my nephews that I probably wouldn't be doing if I had my own kids.  My relationship with the two of them is one of the things I cherish.  They're teenagers now and we don't spend as much time together as we once did because this is the time in their life to hang out with their friends and do their thing, but we still have a really great bond and I 'sneak' time with them when I can.

In my life I've coached the local summer swim team, been a ski instructor and finally a soccer coach for the Soccer Association of Columbia (SAC).  This allowed me to spend a lot of time with kids and hopefully be somewhat of a role model.  I loved coaching soccer and the kids were great.  I looked forward to practice during the week and then watching the games on the weekend to see if what we did in practice made a difference.  I took a break after coaching a 13-14 girls team and have never gone back.  I miss it sometimes.  I have never thought though that I wanted to bring the kids home with me, or wished that one of the kids on the team or out on the slopes were my kid.  I've always felt lucky to have been able to spend time with them all and each and every one of them was on their way to being a super adult.

I have all kinds of friends in my life.  I am still friends with several people that I went to elementary school with.  I have a best friend I met at work.  Every day when I am out walking my dog we see my friends in the neighborhood.  Through DogsXL Rescue I've met and made even more friends and I get to spend a lot of time with dogs.  I have a fairly full social calendar these days thanks to all my friends.  From Christmas parties, to regular get togethers, fund raisers and adoption events, it seems like every weekend I have something going on.  That doesn't include the time I give to my parents and traveling to my sister's to hang out.

I'm a fairly new blogger which has introduced me to an entirely new group of people and activities.  I was looking forward to an event in late January that the blizzard killed, but there are other things coming up that I am hoping to attend.  Another chance to meet friends and reconnect with others.

Facebook can take the credit for a lot of my being able to reconnect with old friends, stay in contact with friends and relatives who live miles away, and stay connected with current friends.  I don't know that I'd have as much to do if it wasn't for that.  It's so easy to come home from work at the end of a long day, log on to my laptop and check in to see what's going on with everyone.  

As a single woman there are things I worry about, but I don't think these are things that wouldn't happen if I were married.   For example, my Mom is there for my Dad now that he's lost his vision.  However, my brother-in-law's Dad died in 2003 and his Mom has been living on her own ever since.  Being married doesn't prevent you from living alone.  She can rely on her kids if she needs them, just like my Mom and Dad can rely on their kids.  

Of course there's no guarantee your kids are going to be there to help if you need them either.  Kids do things like grow up, get married, move away and have their own kids to take up their time.  In extreme cases they just don't come around.  I know of several instances where kids have little or nothing to do with their parents.

All this really means is that I need to do some careful planning for when that day might come when I'm too old to take care of myself.  I need to make sure the assisted living facility I end up in has plenty of pets around, that's for sure!

When I look around at my life I think "I did that".  It's all mine.  Those are my family and friends.  I am the one who earned the money to buy the house. I renovated the kitchen, took the trip to Italy, entertained my friends and family, took care of the dogs...That's all me.  I've built a life for myself and I'm really happy right now.  From family and friends to the dogs, I feel incredibly lucky for all I have and I don't see anything missing.  Some would say I'm blessed.  What ever word you want to use to describe it, I'm right where I want to be. I see a life well lived with a lot more to look forward to.

Et Tu Peyton?

Remember when Peyton Manning told men to just buy a bigger shirt?  Or he stood in the grocery store yelling D-Fense as the guy stocked the bread?  Or my favorite, when he stayed an extra day in all the towns where he'd just defeated the local football team and acted like he didn't notice the hotel staff hating on him?  All classic Peyton Manning.

This morning on ESPN and in other news outlets, the latest story on Peyton is that he's not that nice guy we were all so happy won the Super Bowl.  Maybe not all of us.  There's at least one person out there who has a very negative opinion of Peyton Manning.  In other related news, Peyton has also been accused of using performance enhancing drugs.

From Bill Clinton, to Bill Cosby, to Lance Armstrong I was initially very sure that none of these guys could have done what they were accused of.  They had though.  I initially viewed Lance as just a fierce competitor.  It's because of him that I was such a huge Tour de France fan and ultimately fan of cycling.  Turns out he has a heinous personality and did some vicious things to his enemies.

I watched "Fat Albert" every Saturday when I was a kid, was a fan of "I Spy" reruns and watched "The Cosby Show" faithfully each week.  How could Bill Cosby who talked about the kids every Saturday morning and sold us Jell-O pudding be the guy he's turned out to be?  He is though.  He's an insidious criminal and like Lance went out of his way to destroy lives and livelihoods.

We as a society allow these men, almost all men, a persona that makes us think it's impossible that they could be anything but what the persona says.  I remember reading about what some of the Midshipmen did to the first women admitted to the Naval Academy.  What they did was not honorable and I thought to myself "Who is raising these men that they think this is okay?"

What is coming to light these days is that we have a Man problem.  For too long we've allowed them to think that their position in life granted them immunity when they treated the rest of us as less than people.  Whether they are professional athletes, famous comedians, politicians and even law enforcement, it's time to stop this train.

It would be great if I could give Peyton Manning the benefit of the doubt.  I'm jaded now though - I know that the pedestals we've put these guys on are cracked at the foundation.  I suspect that Peyton is guilty of everything he's been accused of.  I'm sad and disappointed that he is now on the pile of shame with the others.

You're Going To Get A Crappy Boss

The majority of people I know have to work for a living.  We all seem to make a decent living and are hopeful that we'll retire one day and have enough money to live on.  We don't make enough though to just get up and walk away from our jobs and will all likely work at least until age 65.  Overall we will probably spend 40+ years working and in that time there is a better than average chance that we'll get a crappy boss.  In fact, it's not only likely, for many of us, it's already happened and more than once.  You're probably more likely than not to get a crappy boss over a good boss.  The crappy boss is a reality and we really need more help in dealing with them.

A lot of published articles out on the internet and elsewhere tell people with a crappy boss to go out and get a new job.  Unfortunately, there's also a very good chance you'll get a crappy boss at your next job.  I say this because in my experience more people are bad bosses than good ones - it's just in their nature.  Maybe it would be better to figure out why you think your boss is crappy and what your ultimate goals are.  Keeping in mind that the only person you can change is yourself (I know, I was quite dismayed when I learned that one too) maybe it's better to work on our own attitudes and behaviors to mitigate what the crappy boss brings to work.

My first crappy boss was a sneaky bastard.  I was a cubicle dwelling customer service rep and he was a devious and spiteful human.  So much so that one snow day people saw him walking to work after abandoning his car and no one stopped to offer him a ride.  If you're a crappy boss reading this, remember that your health and life are at risk because you're crappy.  I am glad to say I did not see him and would like to think if I had I would have given him a ride, but I wouldn't have been happy about it.

I personally witnessed this guy setting people up for failure as well as taking credit for other people's work.  It was not unusual to find him hiding behind cubicles spying on people.  Anyone who worked for him can recall something negative and devious he had done to them.  He would state out loud that he hated someone and he had a set of groupies to do his bidding.  They were happy to comply with anything he asked them to do until he turned on them.  Some of the most bitter stories about this guy come from that group of people.  Live by the sword, die by the sword as the saying goes.

I personally 'managed' this guy by confronting him.  I wasn't rude and I didn't insult him.  I stuck to the issue at hand - he had accused me of not completing a lot of work and had gone to my direct supervisor to complain.  I had the proof on my side that the work was done and I took that to him.  I quietly but with determination questioned him as to why he believed the work wasn't done.  At the end of the day he was a coward.   I had backed him into a corner.  I did get a new job shortly after that.  Several people over him eventually questioned his value and he ended up losing his job.  I never understood his motivation for behaving the way he did.  Hopefully he learned his lesson wherever he ended up, but who knows.  Looking back I don't hold out much hope for him changing his ways as they were too well ingrained.

It's now been over 20 years since I had that particular crappy boss.  Since that time I've had some really good bosses, and some equally lousy bosses and some who were in between.  In my twenty-six years of work the one thing I've learned is that people are who they are when they're at work.  They bring the same things to the office that I do - their hopes, their fears, their ideas and all of their experiences leading up to the point that our paths crossed.  In some cases the boss has left, both good ones and bad ones, and in some cases I've been the one to move on.  One of the reasons I went back to school and finished my college degree was due to a crappy boss.  I wanted to create options for myself that weren't there without that degree.

Sometimes a bad boss is also an easily managed boss.  I worked for a manager who didn't really care to do any work.  He liked to cut out early on Friday afternoons and head to his beach house.  In the meantime the group of people who reported to him bonded together and became an even stronger team because of him.  We knew we'd get no help from him so we learned to rely on one another.  We were well respected with our customers for the work we turned out.  Any time this particular boss tried to criticize us or take us to task on something we'd simply start talking about our work and how great it was.  "I'm getting all the work done, right?"  He'd agree.  "Customers regularly request me to work on their assignments?" Once again, he'd agree.  "My work is of high quality, correct?" and again, no argument from the boss.  We'd end with, "So, I don't understand why I'm in your office."

This boss' motivation was laziness.  He wanted to rise to a position where he made a healthy salary, but he didn't want to do any work.  As a team we worked hard managing the work as it came in, getting it completed and pleasing our customers.  He rarely if ever said "Do this work", instead we would see what work had come in and just figure out ourselves what we could take on individually.  His boss, while not doing anything to change how he behaved, did acknowledge the amount of work we did.  She herself was an incredibly hard worker and we never understood why she kept this particular manager around.   In the end an organizational change put him under a new boss who wanted to know exactly what he was doing.  "She's managing me!" he complained.  He got no sympathy from us.

I've also in the recent past worked for a tyrant or two.  People who liked to take a pound of flesh out of their staff through yelling and public humiliation.   In the most recent example I had a boss who liked to twist information around to the opposite of any earlier direction.  She didn't want you to speak in meetings and then would ask you why you never spoke up.  You never knew how information would be received - with relief that you had provided it or with a loud take down that you had allowed something to happen that she wasn't happy about.

At first with this particular boss I didn't know how to react.  I'd never in my life been spoken to, yelled at, in such a rude and demeaning way.  I'd never worked for someone who went out of their way to only ever point out your failures.  Over time I realized that not reacting was actually the best reaction.  Once while she stood over my chair yelling at me in front of my coworkers I simply stared at her and refused to answer and allowed my facial expression to send the message instead.    During a phone exchange where she was calling me a failure I couldn't take it anymore and started yelling back, "Do you have any idea the amount of work I do for you?"  I started to run down an itemized list of all the work for which I was responsible and I was yelling back.  She backed down and was contrite although not friendly.

It's one thing to work for a bad boss when you only have yourself to worry about, it's quite another when you also have direct reports.  Providing them the space to do their jobs and keep the tyrant off their backs is a stress inducing activity that takes its toll over time.  I was very careful to never complain or detail the flaws in my staff because I knew my boss would grab on to them and use them against all of us.  I treated my staff the way I wanted to be treated and hopefully they recognized that.  When the results for the all associate survey came out my staff rated me very well and I've always told them that I could be a good boss because they were such a great staff.  Unlike many of the people I worked for, I really wanted them to know their value and how they contributed each day.  I feel honored and lucky that many people who reported to me still seek me out for guidance and mentoring in their own careers.

All of this is on my mind because my boss turned in her notice last fall and left to take a new job outside of the company where I work.  I got along well with this boss and we only got to work together for a short time.  Now the search is on for someone to replace her.  Unfortunately I've not been in my job long enough to apply for the open position myself.  There is every chance in the world that my new boss will not be all that great.

I really like my job and I like the people I work with.  I don't currently have any direct reports in this position so I don't have to worry about their fate, just my own.  After 26+ years of working I've learned a lot of lessons.  First and foremost, have something at home to look forward to.  If all you have is the office and that turns sour, you're probably going to struggle.  I like going home at the end of each day.  My dog and my family are waiting for me there and I'm very happy when I'm at home.  I have also really liked going to work over the past 9 months since I've been in this job.  I look forward to the projects I get to work on, the people I get to talk to.  Hopefully none of that will change.

Which brings me to another factor in dealing with a crappy boss.  You must have options.  I have a large network of work friends.  People who know me, know my work and have respect for what I do and what I'm capable of doing.  Building a large network is critically important to how well you do.  With the boss who yelled at me all the time, she also knew very well that I was liked at all levels of the organization and had strong relationships with well placed people.  I think that offered me a level of protection from even worse treatment.

I also have a college degree.  A simple bachelor's degree in business, but a degree none the less that is backed up with all of my work experience.  I continuously look for training I can take that adds or builds on the skills I already have.  I'm always resume building.

I have mentors.  In my current company I have private relationships with at least two people at the Executive level who I can speak with openly and forthrightly, not to go to with complaints, but to work through how to approach situations and problem solve as well as to get career advice.  This has been a boost to me.  Because the relationship is private they are willing to share information with me about things I might not have insight into and in return I can share information that I have.

I have great benefits at the company where I work.  I get plenty of time off, a pension, and health insurance just to name a few.  In four years I will be retirement eligible.  I'd like to stick it out at least until that time.  Who knows what will happen though.  If we get a great boss who I want to work with I'll be over the moon.  Even if we only get an okay boss, I think I can probably live with that.  No matter what, I'll come in each day the way I do now - ready and eager to get to work.  As I stated earlier in this post, the only person I have control over is me.  

Pet Peeves and Other Observations

We're all trapped in our houses until historic storm Jonas wears out his welcome so I thought I'd start talking about pet peeves to get us all going.  Sure, I could read a book, watch a movie, do laundry, pick up around the house, change the sheets on my bed, but meh.  Those things are boring to me now and we still have at least 24 hours of this to go. This might be my cry for help.

I'll start with the obvious one.  How about all those terrible drivers when it snows?  Sheesh, the least little bit of snow falls out of the sky and no one can drive in this place!  Honestly, if only I could meet one of those terrible drivers I'd give them a piece of my mind.  Of course, I've yet to meet one.  Every single person I talk to complains about the terrible drivers but no one ever is that terrible driver.  No one ever says, "It's me! I am just the worst driver when it snows.  You nailed it!"

While we're on driving I have some other observations.  How come every time you're the last in a long line of cars and there's plenty of space behind you, the driver merging into your lane always speeds up and squeezes in between you and the driver ahead of you?  Why don't they just go to the end of the line?  Every time the last in line driver has to slow down to accommodate the other driver since there normally isn't a ton of space between the two cars.   Which leads me to another obvious observation, tailgating.  We all hate it.  We all do it.  We should stop tailgating.

Do you give the thank you wave when someone makes space for you to merge your car?  You should.   I've noticed that's coming back again.  How about when someone blasts their horn at you?  I wave then too.  We all make mistakes so whatever I did, I wave to say I'm sorry.

Finally on the topic of driving - if you're not good at merging onto highway traffic at the intersection, just stop and wait for your opening even if it means waiting for the light to change and all traffic to stop.  Don't drive to the very end of the merge lane and stop.  Now you're just sitting there and everybody else who does know how to merge into moving traffic will try to go anyway and then you'll think they took your spot - which you couldn't have found anyway - and so you'll try to jump in.  Frankly, I'm amazed that more people aren't injured or killed because of this. I'll tell you what my Dad told me when I was a new driver taking on the world, "It doesn't matter how fast you get there.  It just matters that you get there."  So sit and wait because it won't kill you.

Here's another observation.  How come people can't get the grocery cart over to the stand and they just leave it in an empty parking space?  Sometimes the cart is in the space right next to the cart stand!  This happens at all stores with carts, not just grocery stores, but we've all been to the grocery store lately so this one is on my mind.  I just wonder why it's so hard to do this.

How come when you're in the grocery store people will park their cart on one side of the aisle and shop on the other so they're blocking the items with their cart?  Or, when someone is looking at a group of items, people will wheel up in front of them and block them, then sometimes, but not always, they turn around and see the other person and say "Oh, sorry about that."  Sometimes I've noticed people will just leave their cart in the middle of an aisle blocking everything and walk more than 10 ft away to shop for items.  Now nobody can go around them and finally someone will push the offending cart aside and then the person jumps back over and says "Sorry!" It's almost as if people just aren't aware that there are other people using the store all at the same time.

Here's one of my biggest pet peeves - people who don't pick up after their pets.  We live in a really nice place with great walking paths and it's too bad that there is dog poop all around.  I have a saying that I'm trying to make mainstream "May you step in the dog poo tomorrow you didn't pick up today."  I think it should be on a sign and that sign should be posted all around the path system.  I get it that sometimes people forget their bags and sometimes yes, I get it, I have a dog, it's just not in a condition that it can be picked up.  In that last case I always hope it rains within the next 24 hours to clean it up.  We have so much dog poo around town though and there are free bags, let me repeat that FREE bags available in a lot of places, so that excuse kind of goes out the window.   Some people say they can't see it in the dark.  Bring a flashlight.

Here's a good one - complainers!!  Seriously, how about people who complain all the time?  Hopefully you all realize I'm making a joke here.  How about people who don't get jokes?  They're the worst!

So those are just a few of the Pet Peeves and Observations that have been on my mind.  Feel free to leave yours in the comments.  I'd love to read them.

We're Getting A Blizzard!!

Like a lot of people, I had plans for this weekend.  I was taking Friday off from work to travel to my sister's house in New Jersey.  On Saturday we were going to see "Wicked" on Broadway.  Twenty-four hours from now though we are getting a blizzard.  The words used to describe it so far include 'historic' 'mind-blowing' 'crippling' 'catastrophic' and so on and so forth, and so the trip is off.

Everyone around here is in a panic and so we are engaging in the ritualistic buying of bread, milk and toilet paper to protect ourselves from the snow gods.  I ran out earlier this evening to the Food Lion in Oakland Mills because I had heard that it wasn't busy.  It wasn't as busy as other grocery stores but checking out took forever.  I stood in line behind a family of 50 with baby carriages and grocery carts and I'm pretty sure they might still be there waiting for all of their items to be rung up.  I finally gave up and jumped into the long "12 items or less" line.

I did not go for the usual things, instead I realized that I needed batteries for my flashlight, peanut butter and microwave popcorn.  Full disclosure, I had already purchased the required ritualistic items the night before and stood in a line at Whole Foods in downtown Columbia.  I have paid my dues to the snow goddess.

I'm looking forward to the snow once its finished.  I bought snow shoes a few years ago and this will give me a chance to use them again.  Hopefully I won't be too tired from shoveling to use them.  Also, all of the batteries I got are not destined for the flashlight.  I lit up a tree next to my front door for Christmas with some battery operated lights and they've been fading.  With the snow coming I just thought it would be really pretty to have the tree nice and bright.  I'm sure my neighbors are wondering when the lights will come down since it's been several weeks since Christmas.  Frankly, I don't plan to take them down until the end of January.  I like driving up to my house at night after a long day at work and seeing the Christmas lights beaming out at me.

I wish my tiny townhouse had a garage for my car, but it doesn't and so I will have to dig it out after the snow stops and make sure the word "reserved" can be seen clearly on my designated space.  I'm looking forward to seeing all my neighbors out in the bright sunshine as we shovel our walks and dig out our cars.  Everyone complains about the snow but at the same time everyone also seems a lot nicer during snow shoveling.  Maybe it's because being tired from all the shoveling kills our mean streaks and desire to hide from one another.

I'm not looking forward to being trapped in my house all day on Saturday.  Any other time I can stay in my house all day and find plenty to do, but as soon as I can't go out restlessness takes over and I get a bad case of cabin fever.  I have plans for what I'm going to do and hopefully they'll keep me entertained.  I have a dog and he will need to go out and go to the bathroom and as long as I can see where I'm going and find my way back to my house, I'll take him for a couple short loops around the neighborhood.  Otherwise it's the backyard only for him.  With the death of Glenn Frey a few days ago I'm planning to watch "History of the Eagles" on Amazon Video.  I'll probably find something to blog about.  I may even make a batch of cookies to take to work when the world returns to normal.  I already know that books that hold my attention right now while I have so many other things I need to do will be boring on Saturday.

For a while after the snow stops the neighborhood will be a plush blanket (I hope) of lovely, white snow and everything will be sparkling and beautiful.  I hope on Sunday morning I can enjoy that while I drink some coffee and before I head outside to the work that awaits.  In all the beauty of the snow, I hope that all of us remain safe.  I'll make sure to dig out my HVAC unit out back.  I have a neighbor who is ~93 and so I'll check in on him to make sure he's okay.  I'll walk down the street to make sure our fire hydrant gets dug out and I'll make sure the mailman has a path to our mailbox and doesn't have to step through deep snow to deliver our mail next week.

I hope all of you, your friends and loved ones stay safe and warm this weekend.  Happy Blizzard!

My Dad is Legally Blind

Last spring my Dad chopped up a tree in his backyard and hauled some pretty heavy logs around.  He got quite a workout. Then a few days after that he woke up with some incredibly blurry vision in his right eye.  My 78 year old Dad has glaucoma and for the past several years the vision in his left eye has been diminished enough that he had mostly given up driving except for very short distance trips.  He has been relying on the vision in his right eye to see.  He called the Wilmer Eye Institute where he goes for his glaucoma visits and was told to come in.  He had suffered a retinal vein occlusion.

If you've never been to the Wilmer Eye Institute at Johns Hopkins I can tell you that the majority of people sitting in it's waiting rooms are seniors.  All of them are waiting for someone to stick a needle in their eye.  They're the ones who must not have been paying attention to the oath we all took in elementary school when we promised not to lie "Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye....".

This was not the first time my Dad had required an injection to his eye and it hasn't been the last.  The injection worked immediately and my Dad's vision was restored.  For about two weeks when it diminished again.  The best way to explain what had happened to his eye is that he had suffered an eye stroke, and not just one.  The loss of blood and oxygen had caused part of his retina, the part he uses to focus, to die.  The injection merely cleared away leaking fluid and as his retina died, my Dad's vision was lost.  He can sense light which makes his eyes very sensitive and so he wears dark glasses quite a bit.  He is considered legally blind.

My Dad is a voracious reader.  He has spent a good deal of his life buried in a book.  His mother used to have to kick him outside to play because he spent so much time indoors reading.  The other thing my Dad finds great enjoyment in is his computer.  Finally, gardening has been another interest of his. When I realized that his vision would not be restored, I began searching for a stem cell study that might regrow the veins and retina that were lost.  There is no such study.  At least, none that I could find.  There is no treatment or reversal for this condition.  Fluid continues to leak out, slower now than initially, which further impairs my Dad's vision until he gets another injection to clear it away.  Hopefully that will cease after more time has passed and the frustration of further vision loss will go away.

My Dad's regular physician has been zealous in treating his high blood pressure which was the cause of the vein occlusion.  While no one wants to lose their vision, I think it could have been more serious.

One of the things that concerned me most was how my Dad would respond emotionally to what had happened.  I think at first he believed, especially after that first injection, that his vision would be restored.  When the final diagnosis came back the following month my Mom described it as "a bummer".  Yes, definitely a bummer.  However, my Dad has been in great spirits throughout this experience giving me one more reason to admire a Dad I already hold in high esteem.  I would say the same about my Mom in this situation.  She too could be angry and frustrated - my Dad has become not quite wholly dependent on her.  She drives him to all of his Doctor's visits and anywhere else he needs to go as he can no longer drive himself.   She doesn't have the time to herself that she once enjoyed and worries a lot about my Dad.  Yet, she's been in good spirits throughout.

My Dad's new vision status has been a learning experience for all of us.  Other than the medical side of things, how could my Dad retain his independence and still enjoy books and his computer?  My Dad can see well enough to walk the dog and so he's continued to do this.  Every afternoon you'll see him out walking with Mickey for about 45 minutes.  He can't cross the street any longer because he can't see whether or not a car is coming so his route is a little different but he's out there.  He can see well enough to still pick up after his dog.  In the kitchen, he is still able to cook and he makes dinner regularly.  Last summer when we went to the ocean, he still got in and went for a swim.  Luckily it was a very calm ocean while we were there because he told my nephew "All the waves look giant to me!".

Reading was the biggest loss for my Dad.  A lifelong learner he does not seem interested so far in learning to read Braille.  Initially I did a lot of research and found that his Kindle could read to him.  He has one of the earliest models that had some experimental technology included that is not available on newer models.  It reads in a monotone, but it was a good stop gap while we learned what else was out there.  Audio books abound these days with actors doing excellent jobs telling the story or reading the information.  However, it's not as easy as just handing a device to someone and then off they go.  My Dad can't write down instructions and then read them later.  He has to memorize all the steps that need to be followed.  Also, my Mom is not the technical one in the family.  She loves her iPad and she uses email but that's where it stops.  She too has to learn whatever I'm teaching my Dad because I'm not always available to answer his questions.  There are things that you and I would never think about when listening to audio books.  Can you pause the book?  Can you start right back where you left off?  For example, a book on CD is fine, but you can't always pause it where you want and then start back up.  My Dad would need to find the track he's on and figure things out that are much more difficult for him.

Understanding what resources are available to someone with my Dad's status has been critical to ensuring my Dad stays independent and can engage in activities that he loves.  When you are legally blind, you are eligible for free services and tools that you would not be if you were simply low vision.  My Mom and Dad attend the "Low Vision Support Group" at the Bain 50+ Center every Tuesday morning where they've found out a lot of information.  My Dad is a US Veteran as well, so he gets additional services and tools.  One of the first things we received was a book reader with cassettes from the Library of Congress.   While the Kindle got us to a certain point, the book reader is so much better.  Its simply audio books in a different format using a device that my Dad can operate.  While my Dad can't read to himself, he does like listening to all the books.  He receives 5-10 books in the mail and then as he finishes we drop them back in the mail again to return them.  You can choose the books you want to read or you can just choose categories and the library will choose for you.

The computer has been a little more challenging than the books.  My Dad had just purchased a new all in one MAC with the big retina display when he lost his vision.  Now we know all about the accessibility features on that computer and he's had several tutoring sessions from people at the VA who came to his house.  The other night I noticed my Dad is getting much better at using his computer.  The computer will take longer to get used to than the books, but I think eventually my Dad will use it for all the same things he did before.

We're all getting used to the fact now that my Dad is legally blind.  Sometimes we can be a little over protective, "Dad, watch out, there's a step here, can you see it?" because we want him to be safe.  When we're out and about I notice that someone turns around to make sure my Dad is still with us as he has to follow someone when we go someplace new.  When they shop my Dad used to head off in one direction and my Mom in another to meet up in another location in the store or at the cash register.  My Dad doesn't like to do this any longer because he feels that he'll get lost.  I'm hoping he and my Mom will make the move to new cell phones that include apps for blind people that would help my Dad navigate around stores and other places.  Also, if he got lost he could just call my Mom and say "Come get me, I'm lost."

It's pointless to wish my Dad could have his vision back.  Instead I hope every day that it doesn't get worse, but if it does we're prepared.  We're in a good place right now and slowly but surely my Dad is adapting to all the new devices and the new world he exists in.  Physically and mentally my Mom and Dad are in great shape and have been enjoying a wonderful retirement.  As we age we all get to deal with something that throws us for a bit of a loop and this was my Dad's loop.

Sure, I Can Stop Eating Meat.....

A little over a year ago now, I watched the documentary "FOOD, INC." and decided that except for fish, I was going to give up eating meat. I was already part of the "Meatless Monday" crowd thanks in large part to my Mom who insisted I be part of it along with my Dad and all my siblings.  Yes, we're all grown, two of us are married and have kids but your Mom can still get  you to do stuff.  It was not unusual for me to eat at my Mom's house on a Monday and so it was easier to go along with what she said.  I didn't really take it all that seriously though until I watched the documentary.

I'm not going to tell anyone why I think they too should give up meat because I think everyone is already familiar with those arguments.  I know I was and still hadn't given it up. What I do want to talk about is how hard it really is to give up meat.   Let me be honest here, while I mostly gave up eating meat I still eat meat, not just fish, which is why I'm writing this post.  I did not give up eating meat because I don't like meat.  I love meat.  It tastes really good and I enjoy it.  I gave up meat for all the other reasons.  Primarily I gave it up due to the animal and human abuse that are inherent in the way we produce meat and secondly because giving up meat is good for the environment.  Of course there are also health benefits to giving up meat but that was far down on my list.

I told my family I was giving up meat and everyone was really supportive. When I eat at her house, my Mom will make sure I have fish to eat if she and my Dad are eating chicken. I didn't make my Dog stop eating meat, but I did start paying closer attention to the food I was buying for him.  I did a little bit of research to find him a sustainable and organic option.  Now I just had to stop eating meat.

I'm single and while I like to cook it's really hard to cook for one.  I tend to head towards easy and convenient options and that's where my frustration started.  We are a meat eating nation and finding tasty vegetarian options is tough.  For the first week it seemed really easy.  I'm not a vegan so I still eat eggs and dairy and that provides plenty of options at breakfast.  I love a grilled cheese sandwich so that made a nice dinner and I experimented with different types of grilled cheese.  However, I don't think it's a good idea to eat that much cheese on a daily basis.

I buy my lunch at work and that was one of the first challenges.  We have a decent cafeteria onsite at my office, but all of the selections at lunch seem to have meat included.  Whether it's a sandwich or a hot meal.  We do have a salad bar and I will make use of that as much as possible, but I've noticed that variety is important in what we eat.  After a while I can barely bring myself to look at the salad bar and I'm walking around looking for other choices.  The cafeteria offers a meatless sandwich, but there's only one type and like salad, you don't want to eat it all the time.  How do you find something that is meatless and still tastes good and doesn't leave you looking for more to eat?

I found myself eating chips and other snacks that had no meat in them like nuts during the day and then when I got home it wasn't much different.  I had some Brie in the refrigerator and some fig jam - perfect for dinner.  Still, it was too much cheese in my diet though.  I made myself eggs benedict for dinner on more than one occasion.  I threw a baked potato in the oven and put 'fixins' on it as a dinner.   Still, I worried that what I was eating just wasn't all that healthy.

I wandered around Whole Foods and Giant searching for easy to make, vegetarian meals.  Salad kits are a good grab and filling.  Since I hadn't given up fish I found myself eating a lot of shrimp and salmon.  I really didn't want to eat fish every single day though.

I started a Facebook group, "My Favorite Veggie Recipes", for my friends and I to share so we could all have more choices.  One of my favorite recipes from that page is a grilled cheese that uses Avocado and mozzarella.  It's a nice change from the average grilled cheese.  Everyone who posts in that group has usually tried the recipes which is helpful since a lot of vegetarian recipes aren't that great tasting.

I did start to realize that there are a lot of great tasting dishes that are vegetarian.  Eggplant parmesan, Spinach Lasagne, and zucchini pie are just three recipes that I loved growing up as a kid.  My Dad makes a killer Onion Pie and my Mom an Artichoke Souffle. It's really about experimenting and finding what works best.  For example, today for lunch I cut up an avocado, put a little bit of salad dressing on it and it was delicious and while high in fat, pretty tasty.

The cafeteria did get on board with offering other meatless options besides the salad bar.  One of the reasons for that is we have a lot of non-native Indians who are vegetarian working in our offices.  If the cafeteria wants to survive, it has to cater to everyone's needs.  They offer a taco salad made with veggie crumbles and I've now purchased veggie crumbles from the grocery store to see if I can cook them up myself.  I can recreate the taco salad, make tacos and I'm wondering if I could use them in a cheesesteak sub?  The first veggie crumble I tested I overcooked - which is very easy to do with the non-meat meats.

What giving up meat really means is a lot of experimentation and an open mind.  I've decided that it's okay if I eat Grilled Cheese more than once in a week.  If I do, I'll have a salad the next day at lunch.  I also ask other people I know who don't eat meat what they cook or buy.  If I make a large meal, I can always freeze some of it to eat later.  I used to make a turkey chili and if everything goes well with the veggie crumbles, I'm going to try and make it with that instead to make it meatless.  I also have to learn to pack my lunch once in a while.

Before giving up meat I didn't think as much as I do now about what I was eating and it's made me more aware of whether or not what I'm eating is a healthy option.  I eat a lot more fruit.  I'll grab a bag of clementines at the store - they're easy to peel and taste good.  Also, I don't say I'm going to be meatless for life.  I say I'll be meatless today and see how it goes.  If today goes well, then tomorrow I'll try to be meatless again.  So far this past week I've been fairly meatless.  I did eat some meat.  Oh well, tomorrow is another day and I'll try once again to not eat meat.