Why do women struggle so much with the idea of being single though? Why can't we just embrace it and enjoy the life we have? I see all kinds of memes on Facebook screaming out "I'm Single And I Love It!!" and I'm guilty of sharing them. Are we trying to convince ourselves or someone else that the single life is what we really love? Why do we need to explain it?
My Mom has always hoped, and still does I think, that I would get married. She used to want me to have kids too but I think she realizes now, especially given my age, that it's not going to happen. She's happily married to my Dad, they have three children and she loved being a Mom so why wouldn't she want that for her own kids?
When I think of having a partner in life though it's never for the usual reasons. Typically I'm looking at houses for sale and I think it would be nice to have that second income that a husband would bring. Or, I'm worried about my job and I know I can't just quit because I am the sole bread winner for me. If I had a husband I might have a cushion. Those really don't seem like great reasons to get married though. When we had the blizzard I thought it would be nice to have someone to help me shovel. Yet again, I don't think that's really what marriage is about.
I've never looked at a married couple and thought "Gee, I wish I had that". I do look at all the things being single allows me to do. I never have to negotiate with anyone about how to spend money. I am the decision maker in my house. If I want to make a frivolous purchase I don't have to explain it to anyone but myself. I think at work I am more ambitious because I want to make sure I'm earning enough money to do all the things I want to be able to do. Maybe if I were married I wouldn't be as eager. I don't know. I hope that wouldn't be true.
I'm not avoiding marriage. I've had boyfriends come and go in my life and there were one or two who thought we should get married. At the end of the day though I care about my happiness. If I'm going to give up being single, it will only be for someone who complements what I already have and makes it better.
I've also never longed to be a Mom even though I love kids. I'm surrounded by kids in my life and my sister especially has been great about sharing her two boys with me. If I had my own kids I'm sure I'd be very happy with them, but I get to do all kinds of fun things with my nephews that I probably wouldn't be doing if I had my own kids. My relationship with the two of them is one of the things I cherish. They're teenagers now and we don't spend as much time together as we once did because this is the time in their life to hang out with their friends and do their thing, but we still have a really great bond and I 'sneak' time with them when I can.
In my life I've coached the local summer swim team, been a ski instructor and finally a soccer coach for the Soccer Association of Columbia (SAC). This allowed me to spend a lot of time with kids and hopefully be somewhat of a role model. I loved coaching soccer and the kids were great. I looked forward to practice during the week and then watching the games on the weekend to see if what we did in practice made a difference. I took a break after coaching a 13-14 girls team and have never gone back. I miss it sometimes. I have never thought though that I wanted to bring the kids home with me, or wished that one of the kids on the team or out on the slopes were my kid. I've always felt lucky to have been able to spend time with them all and each and every one of them was on their way to being a super adult.
When I think of having a partner in life though it's never for the usual reasons. Typically I'm looking at houses for sale and I think it would be nice to have that second income that a husband would bring. Or, I'm worried about my job and I know I can't just quit because I am the sole bread winner for me. If I had a husband I might have a cushion. Those really don't seem like great reasons to get married though. When we had the blizzard I thought it would be nice to have someone to help me shovel. Yet again, I don't think that's really what marriage is about.
I've never looked at a married couple and thought "Gee, I wish I had that". I do look at all the things being single allows me to do. I never have to negotiate with anyone about how to spend money. I am the decision maker in my house. If I want to make a frivolous purchase I don't have to explain it to anyone but myself. I think at work I am more ambitious because I want to make sure I'm earning enough money to do all the things I want to be able to do. Maybe if I were married I wouldn't be as eager. I don't know. I hope that wouldn't be true.
I'm not avoiding marriage. I've had boyfriends come and go in my life and there were one or two who thought we should get married. At the end of the day though I care about my happiness. If I'm going to give up being single, it will only be for someone who complements what I already have and makes it better.
I've also never longed to be a Mom even though I love kids. I'm surrounded by kids in my life and my sister especially has been great about sharing her two boys with me. If I had my own kids I'm sure I'd be very happy with them, but I get to do all kinds of fun things with my nephews that I probably wouldn't be doing if I had my own kids. My relationship with the two of them is one of the things I cherish. They're teenagers now and we don't spend as much time together as we once did because this is the time in their life to hang out with their friends and do their thing, but we still have a really great bond and I 'sneak' time with them when I can.
In my life I've coached the local summer swim team, been a ski instructor and finally a soccer coach for the Soccer Association of Columbia (SAC). This allowed me to spend a lot of time with kids and hopefully be somewhat of a role model. I loved coaching soccer and the kids were great. I looked forward to practice during the week and then watching the games on the weekend to see if what we did in practice made a difference. I took a break after coaching a 13-14 girls team and have never gone back. I miss it sometimes. I have never thought though that I wanted to bring the kids home with me, or wished that one of the kids on the team or out on the slopes were my kid. I've always felt lucky to have been able to spend time with them all and each and every one of them was on their way to being a super adult.
I have all kinds of friends in my life. I am still friends with several people that I went to elementary school with. I have a best friend I met at work. Every day when I am out walking my dog we see my friends in the neighborhood. Through DogsXL Rescue I've met and made even more friends and I get to spend a lot of time with dogs. I have a fairly full social calendar these days thanks to all my friends. From Christmas parties, to regular get togethers, fund raisers and adoption events, it seems like every weekend I have something going on. That doesn't include the time I give to my parents and traveling to my sister's to hang out.
I'm a fairly new blogger which has introduced me to an entirely new group of people and activities. I was looking forward to an event in late January that the blizzard killed, but there are other things coming up that I am hoping to attend. Another chance to meet friends and reconnect with others.
Facebook can take the credit for a lot of my being able to reconnect with old friends, stay in contact with friends and relatives who live miles away, and stay connected with current friends. I don't know that I'd have as much to do if it wasn't for that. It's so easy to come home from work at the end of a long day, log on to my laptop and check in to see what's going on with everyone.
As a single woman there are things I worry about, but I don't think these are things that wouldn't happen if I were married. For example, my Mom is there for my Dad now that he's lost his vision. However, my brother-in-law's Dad died in 2003 and his Mom has been living on her own ever since. Being married doesn't prevent you from living alone. She can rely on her kids if she needs them, just like my Mom and Dad can rely on their kids.
Of course there's no guarantee your kids are going to be there to help if you need them either. Kids do things like grow up, get married, move away and have their own kids to take up their time. In extreme cases they just don't come around. I know of several instances where kids have little or nothing to do with their parents.
All this really means is that I need to do some careful planning for when that day might come when I'm too old to take care of myself. I need to make sure the assisted living facility I end up in has plenty of pets around, that's for sure!
All this really means is that I need to do some careful planning for when that day might come when I'm too old to take care of myself. I need to make sure the assisted living facility I end up in has plenty of pets around, that's for sure!
When I look around at my life I think "I did that". It's all mine. Those are my family and friends. I am the one who earned the money to buy the house. I renovated the kitchen, took the trip to Italy, entertained my friends and family, took care of the dogs...That's all me. I've built a life for myself and I'm really happy right now. From family and friends to the dogs, I feel incredibly lucky for all I have and I don't see anything missing. Some would say I'm blessed. What ever word you want to use to describe it, I'm right where I want to be. I see a life well lived with a lot more to look forward to.
Karin, I enjoyed this message and would only add that relationships are mutually either successful or a complete failure. It takes two, always two. Your acceptance of your current status is beautiful. I only wish that so many married people in this world could also accept their current status as equally beautiful. I love your posts and your friendship. Keep blogging.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much David!
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